When being happy ain't easy anymore

Hey there, writing like a total pessimist today. Negative thoughts have been flooded my mind since forever. Today, I woke up with the thought of I don't deserve to be happy. Anxiety has been living inside me and I find it hard to get rid of the worrying thoughts. My best friends have been very supportive and encouraging. Still, I couldn't stop myself from being a negative thinker. It's like a habit that I pick up since sometime ago and I will take forever to get rid of it.

I guess most of you have heard all these sayings about "Don't worry, be happy" // "If you want to be happy, then be". Reality hurts like a bang, it ain't easy not to worry and just be happy if we want. You just can't simply put on a smile if you don't feel so, faking a smile sometimes seems harder than ever. The truth is there will be no sunshine everyday. I understand that as cliche as it sounds like, it's life that we have to go through all sorts of ups and downs, and that's how we learn to grow up. However, picking up the broken pieces ain't easy. Even if it's a broken mirror that you try to fix it back, it can no longer be the same perfect mirror anymore.

Sometimes, I just think. Maybe I don't deserve to be happy. 

Night Time Reflection.

People that you talked to everyday, sharing the laughter/sadness/gossip and hang out everyday. It used to be like that. Until misunderstandings happened and things cannot be explain anymore. You know that is when there is a twist in the friendship. Then what happened next is that both of you are no longer on talking terms. It's all back to strangers again. Everything became "it used to be". How sad is this. Walking away is never something positive. It meant to leave the good memories with a bad ending. Someday, you might get close to that person again. But things will never be the same again.

Difficult Week I Said.

Conflict. It's ridiculous if we apologize. I don't like conflict. It's not some kind of healthy conflict where people have different opinions, you just need to voice out your opinions and see which point make more sense. But no, it's some conflict on ridiculous unnecessary stuff. Meh! It's not a big deal, so why make it so complicated. Some fear has been built up. I don't like having to be careful or aware of anything everything. It's a torture. I am allowing myself to become two-faced person.

Frustrating week. Conflict. Got a major headache on the 1st day of class. Had brain fried, mentally tired from uni.

Assignments due. Lack of sleep for the whole week because assignment was due yesterday. Having stomach upset that I went to the washroom for 7 times in the morning. What I had was just a can of coffee in the morning, and I got this awful stomach upset.

Attended talk. CIMB talk by the Deputy CEO of CIMB about Financial Market. I quote this from him "there is no substitute for hardwork". I believe that as long as we work hard, we could always catch up. The slides presented weren't that inspiring, because I am kinda lost with all the jargons used. But the question and answer session was really awesome. Inspiring. :) Had dinner for the 1st time with the unimates was yesterday.

Today. It's a great day. Woke up at 6am thinking of preparing to go uni. Kinda forget that there's no class today. NO uni, just TV, laptop and couch. and Sleep. We all really need that sleep. That's guilty enough. Needa do work tomorrow.

Hey, I am back.

So I am back to blogging. It's the semester break now, and I haven't been blogging for 2 months now. There's just too many things had happened in this period of time. Everything had fallen apart. Nothing to look forward everyday. Life is a total dull. It's only tears. Flowing down so easily anytime, crying myself to bed every night. My tweets were emo everyday. I was devastated. I felt like I've lost something that had been part of me. Faking a smile seems harder than ever. Now that I am slowly picking up the pieces. Because I know there's nothing I can do to get it back to original, it had become a past now. Life still moves on as it still sound cliche. I don't know. I just don't know. anymore.