Page 259: Series of happenings - Instagram

Ohaii, I haven't been updating since forever, almost a month ago? It has been a roller coaster 4 weeks. From extreme anxiety --> worry ---> relieved --> loads of outings ---> complications --> i guess it's back to kinda normal now? I hope so. Reading back all my backdated post, it's so depressing. Hopefully this post would enlightened my blog a bit. I can be sucha extreme pessimist thinking the world gonna end soon, but at the same time I can also be an extreme optimist. Am sucha contradiction. It's gonna be a visual diary bits and pieces from the friends' iphone, I used their iphone like mine. Hahaha! I scroll on their twitter, instagram and fb whenever I like. I have awesome friends! :DDD and i hope they know how much I treasure them. 

VISUALS 

I don't know where to start. Just random pictures from here and there. 

Went to try Uncle Jang @Bandar Puteri for the 1st time with the unimates after class for lunch. Heard loads of good feedback therefore we decided to go there for a try. The Dak-Galbi turned out to be yummy especially with korean noodles, but a lil' spicy thou. Worth trying (Y).

Sharing an ice-cream on BR's pink day was :) Am ice-cream lover! 

Went to watch StepUp4 @KLCC, was so outdated. But still, we managed to watch the movie before it's not on the screens anymore. Ahh, that movie was the best movie I watched this year. Coffee art @En Ginza Cafe. Always wanted to give a try on this coffee art, thank you for bringing me there. Lovin that tea time moment. :) 

Went over to Klang the usual spot for steamboat to celebrate Alvin's 1st round of birthday celebration with a few unimates. It felt very good indeed not having to dip or do anything, just having to wait for food to be place on the plate. ahahaha! So nais being a girl. Awesome! 

:) 

Went over to Levain for lunch on a Saturday before heading over to Klang for Alvin's birthday party. Decided to go over to Levain since we have loads of time to kill. Look at the Macaroons, oh so lovely! Can't stop looking at them. They tasted extremely nais too! Not too sweet, smelling good. 

Us @ Levain. 

:)

Our kinda cacated LOVE. 

Self-take photos with the #bff in the car. I ♥ this girl a lot. 

Went to Daorae @ Sunway Giza for dinner with a few of my pre-u mates. The service there was extremely good, best I ever seen and the ambience there was very nice indeed. Would visit this place again for the food, am lovin Korean food. Had so much fun teasing a friend that night. Awww so fun. :D 

Had an impromptu lunch ystd. and it's my favourite food. Ahh yummeh! So hungry right now. D:

and then we headed to Bukit Rimau to try out this shop that serves unique Gelato ice-cream. 

Gelato Lasagna that we ordered. Ahh lovin food a lot. Thanks to the #bff, I ate so much yesterday. rawrs :3

As I always said, companions are most important that determines the outing be it just a lunch or a dinner. Good companions, everything would be great! Am glad that my life is back in track. and am lovin all the people around me. Awww :') 

That's all for the updates. Till then. 

Page 230: 7

#1 Been spending loads of time with mumsie love. Doing shopping most of the time. Mummy said if only everyday is like holiday. We spend time going shopping, having tea time everyday and take our own sweet time in the malls. 

#2 Went down to Malacca for a short vacation with the aunts. Spending most of the time on the road, thanks to the traffic. The traffic in Malacca town was horrendous. So scary that I am so not going there again during public holidays. But look @ these cutie chicken rice balls, aren't they adorable?! Awww. 

#3 Ahhh, durian puff. I miss you already. So nais to hold, so yummeh to eat. *drools. 

#4 Went pyramid yesterday with mumsie love, and dragged mum to Esquire Kitchen to get my Xiao Long Bao craving fixed. Been craving for a month already. Ahh I want more. 

#5 The typical chinese food, Yong Chow Fried Rice. All time favourite, anytime anywhere. (Y)

#6 Cooked spaghetti for brunch. After I done eating only I realized I forgotten to put mushroom. and the carrot was pretty hard. D: haha! 

#7  That's my favourite ring! Visit here if you want to get more accessories.

This week was a roller-coaster week. I am grateful having the family and friends to support me and helped me to walk through those tough days that I had. Appreciate much and each and everyone of you have a special place in my heart. Infinity Love. Indeed. 

Page 221: If time stands still

#1 I re-arranged all the clothes in my wardrobe. I think I've nothing better to do. From left, some casual dresses, to my favorite polka-dots collection, my favorite chiffon shirts, my favourite button shirts and knitted sweaters. 

#2 My long-pants! 5 black long pants and 2 blue-jeans. That is why you always see me in black long pants in uni. Mum insisted that I have to wear long pants to uni. So no shorts at all. :)

#3 Ahh, this BRATs shirt that left me with so many good memories back in 2007. 4 days camp seemed like it's has been a part of me already. Reminiscence. 

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Can't Go Back - Rosi Golan #nowplaying 

"When people don't express themselves, they die one piece at a time. You'd be shocked at how many adults are really dead inside - walking through their days with no idea who they are, just waiting for a heart attack or cancer or a Mack truck to come along and finish the job. It's the saddest thing I know." 

-Laurie Halse Anderson 

As usual, I read up on quotes again. and as usual I find quotes that reflect the truth in me. Mood swing. How many times have I been faking my answer that I am fine when I am actually not at all. Pretending is easy, but every time i die a lil' inside. I write to release. But I struggle with the words if the words would reflect my true feelings. The buddy talked to me yesterday, but I replied coldly telling him that I am not in the mood. He understands me well knowing that I would continue replied coldly to whatever he would ask, he said okay and left me alone with my thoughts. The bestie told me yesterday that she wants to escape to somewhere not knowing where, but she continued with this question if anyone would miss her if she's gone to somewhere else. and I told her "noooo, I would miss you". But at the same time, I was thinking if I could also escape to somewhere, if only I could. I have been very different for this whole month, I wish I knew what to do with myself. 

"Sometimes I wish I never had to sleep. Sometimes I think that if I stay very, very still, if I never move at all, things will change. I think if I freeze myself I can freeze the pain. Sometimes I won't move for hours. I will not move an inch. If time stands still nothing can go wrong." 

-Taherah Mafi 

If. 

But "Some things you can't go back to, some things need left alone" 

Page 220: Pain

"Pain is a part of life. Sometimes it's a big part, and sometimes it isn't, but either way, it's a part of the big puzzle, the deep music, the great game. Pain does two things: it teaches you, tells you that you're alive. Then it passes away and leaves you changed. It leaves you wiser, sometimes. Sometimes, it leaves you stronger. Either way, pain leaves its mark, and everything important that will ever happen to you in life is going to involve it in one degree or another."

Jim Butcher 

I spent most of my time reading quotes. I love how these quotes reflect certain truth in life and reminds me of something that later inspire me to write. So here I am, writing. More like typing thou. Heh. It's gonna be daddy again. Perhaps his death anniversary is approaching, am writing so much about dad lately. I flipped through the newspaper yesterday morning, I read about this inspiring article "Goodbye Mum"  and I thought maybe I should write about daddy.

So yeah, a long-winded one. It's gonna be the day daddy left. I remember that morning, daddy was opening the gate for us as early as 645am perhaps or 7am. Mum sent me to school that day, no school-bus day! and I couldn't remember if I wave goodbye to dad, but that was the last time I see him. I regretted not waving goodbye, I think I did not. I regretted not saying "daddy i love you" before I left to school. I regretted not hugging daddy before I left to school. Ahhh, perhaps these have left me using so much of "loves" at the end of conversation or putting "heart" emoticon. Till the extend I thought I was too generous with it. Back to story, so I came home by school bus as usual. Only to receive a called from mum telling me that bro accompanied daddy to check up and daddy had to be admitted to the hospital for further check-up. The word "check-up" didn't gave me much effect as I thought am gonna see dad the next day, no big deal. Having to be admitted to CCU, we were not aware at all of the term. Daddy called asking us not to visit him as there's nothing to worry since he will be coming home the next day, so yeah we didn't visit him. Every night, I would be doing my homework in my room while mum would be downstairs doing her work. and I remember it's 930pm, the phone rang and the nurse said we need to rush to the hospital as soon as possible. Here comes the drama, everything was just exactly like how we seen from the drama. We rushed into the car, bro drove as fast as he could, and there was a bad jam leading to the hospital. Damn it, and hazard light was on all the way. We put our car aside, didn't even bother to park it properly and we literally ran through the cold corridors. Until we reached there, the doctor said "sorry, it's too late". Perhaps I was too young to understand death, I didn't know how to respond. There wasn't tears flowing when the doctor pronounced that daddy had officially left us, he didn't even got to see us for the last time. But we knew that he was waiting for us. I was stunned, I gave him a last hug with all the tubes were still on his cold body. That night was difficult, I went home and only then I cried so much like I felt a knife was stabbed into my heart. That was my first time understanding the meaning of heartache. It was so pain that I don't know what to do with it. That's about it. We survived through the days without daddy by having loads of relatives and friends constantly consoling us. It was difficult, my tears fall every morning on the way to school for sometime. That's when I guess I started learning not to show my sadness in public, those smiles and laughter that I put on. I was much stronger that time. I still think of dad on and off. I let go of myself allowing the tears to flow at night whenever I think of him before going to sleep. Losing someone so close ain't easy at all. Days were tough without someone that you have been relying on all these while. I am so proud with mum for she being so brave and optimistic. We wouldn't have walked through these tough days without the family and friends. I am always grateful for having them. It's been 7 years now, daddy I still think of you for you are always in my heart. You know what, that special place that you have in my heart, no one would ever replace you. The true Always & Forever. 

Losing daddy has taught me a lot in life, at least to be strong. But it seems that I am back to basic again, I show my sadness so easily in public. I no longer hide my sadness, I would just blabbered it off to my close friends that I think I annoyed them a lot with my sadness. Sorry mates. I am not strong anymore. 

Brain and mind - the root of all sickness. :(

and 400km? I never like that. Damn the distant. 

Page 218: Distance

Today is a good day. Milo for breakfast. Hakka food for lunch with the family @ The Curve. Coconut jelly for dessert. McD for dinner with mum. I can have proper meals. It's a good Sunday well spent with the family. It's been long. I guess I miss these family time. Precious moment I have today. 

Ying Ker Lou's pan mee is the best! (Y) Yummeh and it's my kind of unique pan mee. 

Talking about distance, I am very used to distance. Having my cousins all far far away at Penang, my kind of paradise, I only get to see them at most 3-4 times a year. The least would be twice a year. So I would always have fun back there seeing them and spending time with them. I have always envy the cousins who stayed so near together that they went to the same school, their houses are like walking distant. Ahhh, and they all left me alone over here. T_T I am so used to enduring the long journey sitting in the car, pretty enjoy those moment. Just looking out at the window, staring at the greenery, the hills, the palm trees, the paddy fields listening to the music on radio, staring blankly outside. Always having the deep in thoughts moment. I love travelling! Absence makes the heart grow fonder, it's because of the distance that I don't get to see the cousiees much but at the same time I appreciate every moment when we meet each other. Till the extent that I used to cry when I have to leave the place, but not anymore of course, that was back then when I was a kid. hehe! I miss them! Weii you all, please come down to KL can or not. Grrr. 

and 250km? still meh. 

Page 217: Because it's hard to express in words

"When someone cries so hard that it hurts their throat, it is out of frustration or knowing that no matter what you can do or attempt to do can change the situation. When you feel like you need to cry, when you want to just get it out, relieve some of the pressure from the inside - that is true pain. Because no matter how hard you try or how bad you want to, you can't. That pain just stays in place. Then, if you are lucky, one small tear may escape from those eyes that water constantly. That one tear, that tiny, salty, droplet of moisture is a means of escape. Although tit's just a small tear, it is the heaviest thing in the world. And it doesn't do a damn thing to fix anything." 

-Chase Brooks 

This week I was rather emotional. Unstable I could say. I have been feeling restless, I got angry of small lil' things, I got pretty sensitive over every thing, I wasn't concentrating most of the time. My mind tends to wanders off to those negative things that have been lingering on my mind forever that my tears fall so easily. I barely did anything useful besides doing housework. I spent most of my time watching drama, unless I felt like playing the piano. I went to the piano for awhile played a song or two, and I went back to my drama. I slept so late at night because I barely could sleep, until I doze off watching it. I was panic and nervous already, where it triggers those negative stuff to float on my mind 7/24. I need people to constantly telling me not to worry, everything will be fine when I don't believe in this theory at all. I am sucha pessimist, but still grateful with friends that I could rely on telling me that everything will be fine. I pretend to accept the theory when deep in my heart I know it's not going to be fine. I am in a mess, indeed.  

Yesterday, I went out to celebrate a very close friend's birthday. But my mind wasn't really concentrating. I was stuffing myself with food whole night during dinner while my mind wanders off to all the what ifs questions. Everyday am struggling with my mind and my heart. Contradict.

This week I have been thinking of daddy pretty much. I think of those good ol' days where daddy would send me to the bus stop every morning as early as 6am and waited for the school bus with me. We would sit in the car and daddy would tell me about philosophy of life and stories about his siblings. I find those stories interesting and I still kept them in my mind. When I came back from school, daddy would always rush home from work just to make sure I am home safely and also with food to eat. Everyday there's tea time with daddy at home. Daddy prepared breakfast for me with his weird creativity like putting raw egg into my milo, which he knows I hate it the most having to drink that slimy egg white with my milo. Gross isn't it, I don't know where did he got that creativity from. Breakfast was always healthy, that I have a cup of plain water to drink or honey and a cup of milo to drink. Daddy made my lunch box for me to pack to school, daddy will buy food back for tea time when I reached home from school and daddy would sometimes prepare dinner. His fried rice was terrible indeed, but we have no choice but to swallow those oily fried rice. Oiliest fried rice I have ever tasted, ew. Daddy loves frying butter salmon, oily too but yummeh. Daddy was the one who started the pouring tuna into porridge culture in our family. He was pretty much creative, but gross creativity. haha! Weekends were the best time ever unless there's exam. Saturdays were meant for me to attend class, yes my school urgh have classes on every Saturday. Saturdays were usually busy day where I attended school in the morning, attend piano class and art class in the evening. Saturday night will always be eating out at the shopping malls. Sunday would be visiting mall day. Ahhh lovin those days. Looking at now, my meals are all so screw up, it's always milo for brunch and sometimes for dinner. Or I skip dinner. I tend to spend so much time in front of the laptop. I sleep for so few hours because there's no longer daddy to control my sleeping time. He doesn't allow me to sleep late and wake up late. Ahh these are all the stuff that I have been reminiscing bout daddy this week. 

The clock is ticking and it's coming soon. I have no idea how to face the reality if someone could tell me how besides telling me everything will be fine. It's the end of the week. Again. I no longer love the weekends anymore. I wish weekdays are longer. 

Till then. 

Page 214: Exhausting

Just realized am not important at all. Everything is exhausting.
I am indeed weaker than I thought I was.