Hello, it's 249am now. I have been yakking away with Wan Ping. Noticing the list of people on fb chat getting shorter, I started noticing how late it is now. I cannot remember when was the last time I stay up this late, not to mention the assignment days which was only a week ago where I could stay up till 5am working on the magazine. I guess it must be the after effect of the nap I took in the evening. It always like that, nap makes my night longer.
I have been doing some reflections tonight. I find myself very mean whenever there's something up with the friends. I ignore their text or calls most of the time if I don't know how to reply or what to reply or even don't feel like replying. I am not those that like to pick up calls, call me a weirdo. If you talk to me on the phone, very often you will find yourself doing all the talking as if talking to yourself or perhaps you would go like "hello, hello are you still there?'' because I tend to go like MIA in the middle. Nah, I do the listening all the way, perhaps am too quiet or what you would think that I went MIA. But of course, sometimes I don't go intentionally ignore your text or calls, it's just the time where I simply leave my mobile somewhere and just check it after some time.
So there this friend who I kinda avoid because of certain reason like I don't know how to reject buying stuff from this friend. So I started telling all kinda lies which I feel bad actually. I have no courage to be honest to her because I thought it would hurt her. Yes that's an excuse, I have no courage to tell the truth is the fact. But after talking to a friend today, I think all the lies that I have said would hurt her more if she knows the truth. I mean true friends are not like this. They are supposed to be honest and accept who they are right? and not those that comment about them behind their back. Urgh, am sucha mean and lousy friend. I guess I just need another way to deal with this problem, avoiding ain't a solution. It just affects the friendship more. Perhaps I should be truthful to her, telling her what I am not interested in and asking her only to inform me things that I am interested in. Do you think this still sounds mean? But at least, I am being honest right?
There are also times that I hate about myself. It's always like that, we are very close behind the screens, but when I see you, I tend to act like stranger as if we do not know each other. I avoid meeting your eyes, I run away from you when you come standing beside me like I am too afraid to let others know that we are actually very close. I do not know what's wrong with me, but I know something is wrong with me. It's all done unintentionally, I just do it naturally. Perhaps I am just those kinda of lousy friend. I told this to Graceey, and she tried to convince me it's normal because I was emo-ing about this whole thing that night. I get panic when I thought that friend noticed how I behaved and don't want to talk to me anymore. But yeah, I was just overreacting. The friend still talks to me. I really have to figure out what's wrong with me. Am i not being honest to my friends? Am I doing all these unconsciously? Am I taking my friends for granted? I really need to sort this out.
Wan Ping left me and went to sleep. I think I should sleep now. It's 325am, good night and good morning.
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