Page 230: 7

#1 Been spending loads of time with mumsie love. Doing shopping most of the time. Mummy said if only everyday is like holiday. We spend time going shopping, having tea time everyday and take our own sweet time in the malls. 

#2 Went down to Malacca for a short vacation with the aunts. Spending most of the time on the road, thanks to the traffic. The traffic in Malacca town was horrendous. So scary that I am so not going there again during public holidays. But look @ these cutie chicken rice balls, aren't they adorable?! Awww. 

#3 Ahhh, durian puff. I miss you already. So nais to hold, so yummeh to eat. *drools. 

#4 Went pyramid yesterday with mumsie love, and dragged mum to Esquire Kitchen to get my Xiao Long Bao craving fixed. Been craving for a month already. Ahh I want more. 

#5 The typical chinese food, Yong Chow Fried Rice. All time favourite, anytime anywhere. (Y)

#6 Cooked spaghetti for brunch. After I done eating only I realized I forgotten to put mushroom. and the carrot was pretty hard. D: haha! 

#7  That's my favourite ring! Visit here if you want to get more accessories.

This week was a roller-coaster week. I am grateful having the family and friends to support me and helped me to walk through those tough days that I had. Appreciate much and each and everyone of you have a special place in my heart. Infinity Love. Indeed. 

Page 221: If time stands still

#1 I re-arranged all the clothes in my wardrobe. I think I've nothing better to do. From left, some casual dresses, to my favorite polka-dots collection, my favorite chiffon shirts, my favourite button shirts and knitted sweaters. 

#2 My long-pants! 5 black long pants and 2 blue-jeans. That is why you always see me in black long pants in uni. Mum insisted that I have to wear long pants to uni. So no shorts at all. :)

#3 Ahh, this BRATs shirt that left me with so many good memories back in 2007. 4 days camp seemed like it's has been a part of me already. Reminiscence. 

*********************************************************************************************

Can't Go Back - Rosi Golan #nowplaying 

"When people don't express themselves, they die one piece at a time. You'd be shocked at how many adults are really dead inside - walking through their days with no idea who they are, just waiting for a heart attack or cancer or a Mack truck to come along and finish the job. It's the saddest thing I know." 

-Laurie Halse Anderson 

As usual, I read up on quotes again. and as usual I find quotes that reflect the truth in me. Mood swing. How many times have I been faking my answer that I am fine when I am actually not at all. Pretending is easy, but every time i die a lil' inside. I write to release. But I struggle with the words if the words would reflect my true feelings. The buddy talked to me yesterday, but I replied coldly telling him that I am not in the mood. He understands me well knowing that I would continue replied coldly to whatever he would ask, he said okay and left me alone with my thoughts. The bestie told me yesterday that she wants to escape to somewhere not knowing where, but she continued with this question if anyone would miss her if she's gone to somewhere else. and I told her "noooo, I would miss you". But at the same time, I was thinking if I could also escape to somewhere, if only I could. I have been very different for this whole month, I wish I knew what to do with myself. 

"Sometimes I wish I never had to sleep. Sometimes I think that if I stay very, very still, if I never move at all, things will change. I think if I freeze myself I can freeze the pain. Sometimes I won't move for hours. I will not move an inch. If time stands still nothing can go wrong." 

-Taherah Mafi 

If. 

But "Some things you can't go back to, some things need left alone" 

Page 220: Pain

"Pain is a part of life. Sometimes it's a big part, and sometimes it isn't, but either way, it's a part of the big puzzle, the deep music, the great game. Pain does two things: it teaches you, tells you that you're alive. Then it passes away and leaves you changed. It leaves you wiser, sometimes. Sometimes, it leaves you stronger. Either way, pain leaves its mark, and everything important that will ever happen to you in life is going to involve it in one degree or another."

Jim Butcher 

I spent most of my time reading quotes. I love how these quotes reflect certain truth in life and reminds me of something that later inspire me to write. So here I am, writing. More like typing thou. Heh. It's gonna be daddy again. Perhaps his death anniversary is approaching, am writing so much about dad lately. I flipped through the newspaper yesterday morning, I read about this inspiring article "Goodbye Mum"  and I thought maybe I should write about daddy.

So yeah, a long-winded one. It's gonna be the day daddy left. I remember that morning, daddy was opening the gate for us as early as 645am perhaps or 7am. Mum sent me to school that day, no school-bus day! and I couldn't remember if I wave goodbye to dad, but that was the last time I see him. I regretted not waving goodbye, I think I did not. I regretted not saying "daddy i love you" before I left to school. I regretted not hugging daddy before I left to school. Ahhh, perhaps these have left me using so much of "loves" at the end of conversation or putting "heart" emoticon. Till the extend I thought I was too generous with it. Back to story, so I came home by school bus as usual. Only to receive a called from mum telling me that bro accompanied daddy to check up and daddy had to be admitted to the hospital for further check-up. The word "check-up" didn't gave me much effect as I thought am gonna see dad the next day, no big deal. Having to be admitted to CCU, we were not aware at all of the term. Daddy called asking us not to visit him as there's nothing to worry since he will be coming home the next day, so yeah we didn't visit him. Every night, I would be doing my homework in my room while mum would be downstairs doing her work. and I remember it's 930pm, the phone rang and the nurse said we need to rush to the hospital as soon as possible. Here comes the drama, everything was just exactly like how we seen from the drama. We rushed into the car, bro drove as fast as he could, and there was a bad jam leading to the hospital. Damn it, and hazard light was on all the way. We put our car aside, didn't even bother to park it properly and we literally ran through the cold corridors. Until we reached there, the doctor said "sorry, it's too late". Perhaps I was too young to understand death, I didn't know how to respond. There wasn't tears flowing when the doctor pronounced that daddy had officially left us, he didn't even got to see us for the last time. But we knew that he was waiting for us. I was stunned, I gave him a last hug with all the tubes were still on his cold body. That night was difficult, I went home and only then I cried so much like I felt a knife was stabbed into my heart. That was my first time understanding the meaning of heartache. It was so pain that I don't know what to do with it. That's about it. We survived through the days without daddy by having loads of relatives and friends constantly consoling us. It was difficult, my tears fall every morning on the way to school for sometime. That's when I guess I started learning not to show my sadness in public, those smiles and laughter that I put on. I was much stronger that time. I still think of dad on and off. I let go of myself allowing the tears to flow at night whenever I think of him before going to sleep. Losing someone so close ain't easy at all. Days were tough without someone that you have been relying on all these while. I am so proud with mum for she being so brave and optimistic. We wouldn't have walked through these tough days without the family and friends. I am always grateful for having them. It's been 7 years now, daddy I still think of you for you are always in my heart. You know what, that special place that you have in my heart, no one would ever replace you. The true Always & Forever. 

Losing daddy has taught me a lot in life, at least to be strong. But it seems that I am back to basic again, I show my sadness so easily in public. I no longer hide my sadness, I would just blabbered it off to my close friends that I think I annoyed them a lot with my sadness. Sorry mates. I am not strong anymore. 

Brain and mind - the root of all sickness. :(

and 400km? I never like that. Damn the distant. 

Page 218: Distance

Today is a good day. Milo for breakfast. Hakka food for lunch with the family @ The Curve. Coconut jelly for dessert. McD for dinner with mum. I can have proper meals. It's a good Sunday well spent with the family. It's been long. I guess I miss these family time. Precious moment I have today. 

Ying Ker Lou's pan mee is the best! (Y) Yummeh and it's my kind of unique pan mee. 

Talking about distance, I am very used to distance. Having my cousins all far far away at Penang, my kind of paradise, I only get to see them at most 3-4 times a year. The least would be twice a year. So I would always have fun back there seeing them and spending time with them. I have always envy the cousins who stayed so near together that they went to the same school, their houses are like walking distant. Ahhh, and they all left me alone over here. T_T I am so used to enduring the long journey sitting in the car, pretty enjoy those moment. Just looking out at the window, staring at the greenery, the hills, the palm trees, the paddy fields listening to the music on radio, staring blankly outside. Always having the deep in thoughts moment. I love travelling! Absence makes the heart grow fonder, it's because of the distance that I don't get to see the cousiees much but at the same time I appreciate every moment when we meet each other. Till the extent that I used to cry when I have to leave the place, but not anymore of course, that was back then when I was a kid. hehe! I miss them! Weii you all, please come down to KL can or not. Grrr. 

and 250km? still meh. 

Page 217: Because it's hard to express in words

"When someone cries so hard that it hurts their throat, it is out of frustration or knowing that no matter what you can do or attempt to do can change the situation. When you feel like you need to cry, when you want to just get it out, relieve some of the pressure from the inside - that is true pain. Because no matter how hard you try or how bad you want to, you can't. That pain just stays in place. Then, if you are lucky, one small tear may escape from those eyes that water constantly. That one tear, that tiny, salty, droplet of moisture is a means of escape. Although tit's just a small tear, it is the heaviest thing in the world. And it doesn't do a damn thing to fix anything." 

-Chase Brooks 

This week I was rather emotional. Unstable I could say. I have been feeling restless, I got angry of small lil' things, I got pretty sensitive over every thing, I wasn't concentrating most of the time. My mind tends to wanders off to those negative things that have been lingering on my mind forever that my tears fall so easily. I barely did anything useful besides doing housework. I spent most of my time watching drama, unless I felt like playing the piano. I went to the piano for awhile played a song or two, and I went back to my drama. I slept so late at night because I barely could sleep, until I doze off watching it. I was panic and nervous already, where it triggers those negative stuff to float on my mind 7/24. I need people to constantly telling me not to worry, everything will be fine when I don't believe in this theory at all. I am sucha pessimist, but still grateful with friends that I could rely on telling me that everything will be fine. I pretend to accept the theory when deep in my heart I know it's not going to be fine. I am in a mess, indeed.  

Yesterday, I went out to celebrate a very close friend's birthday. But my mind wasn't really concentrating. I was stuffing myself with food whole night during dinner while my mind wanders off to all the what ifs questions. Everyday am struggling with my mind and my heart. Contradict.

This week I have been thinking of daddy pretty much. I think of those good ol' days where daddy would send me to the bus stop every morning as early as 6am and waited for the school bus with me. We would sit in the car and daddy would tell me about philosophy of life and stories about his siblings. I find those stories interesting and I still kept them in my mind. When I came back from school, daddy would always rush home from work just to make sure I am home safely and also with food to eat. Everyday there's tea time with daddy at home. Daddy prepared breakfast for me with his weird creativity like putting raw egg into my milo, which he knows I hate it the most having to drink that slimy egg white with my milo. Gross isn't it, I don't know where did he got that creativity from. Breakfast was always healthy, that I have a cup of plain water to drink or honey and a cup of milo to drink. Daddy made my lunch box for me to pack to school, daddy will buy food back for tea time when I reached home from school and daddy would sometimes prepare dinner. His fried rice was terrible indeed, but we have no choice but to swallow those oily fried rice. Oiliest fried rice I have ever tasted, ew. Daddy loves frying butter salmon, oily too but yummeh. Daddy was the one who started the pouring tuna into porridge culture in our family. He was pretty much creative, but gross creativity. haha! Weekends were the best time ever unless there's exam. Saturdays were meant for me to attend class, yes my school urgh have classes on every Saturday. Saturdays were usually busy day where I attended school in the morning, attend piano class and art class in the evening. Saturday night will always be eating out at the shopping malls. Sunday would be visiting mall day. Ahhh lovin those days. Looking at now, my meals are all so screw up, it's always milo for brunch and sometimes for dinner. Or I skip dinner. I tend to spend so much time in front of the laptop. I sleep for so few hours because there's no longer daddy to control my sleeping time. He doesn't allow me to sleep late and wake up late. Ahh these are all the stuff that I have been reminiscing bout daddy this week. 

The clock is ticking and it's coming soon. I have no idea how to face the reality if someone could tell me how besides telling me everything will be fine. It's the end of the week. Again. I no longer love the weekends anymore. I wish weekdays are longer. 

Till then. 

Page 214: Exhausting

Just realized am not important at all. Everything is exhausting.
I am indeed weaker than I thought I was.

Page 213: Always

I haven't been writing what have I been thinking for some time already. Avoiding writing them out because I fear. I fear to know what I have been worrying, fear to face the reality. When the week comes to an end, I feel extremely down thinking oh no it's coming, silly thoughts like why wouldn't the time stop. My life is so gonna ruin soon. The uncertainty of my future seems to be bothering me a lot. I have been stressing a lot that I make myself busy by shifting my attention to something unnecessary, watching drama every night till I sleep or reading quotes or words on tumblr. Doing all these every night just to stop myself from thinking. Being a pessimist, I couldn't describe how I felt. It's extreme, towards the point of thinking something silly and stupid. I'm more like a planner, I like my life to be in order and I like to know what would happen next. Just like how I love reading conclusions or watching the last episode of drama before continue reading or watching the rest. I can go on impromptu plans like going out for a lunch, dinner or a trip. Just not when it comes to serious stuff. Right now, I am not sure if my life is gonna ruin and the most difficult thing is waiting. At the same time, I do not want that moment to come. Counting down is a painful thing. I don't know if I am different person right now, I am not sure if I have changed the way I think, I am not sure about myself. All I know what I have been doing is hanging out with my loved ones trying to stop myself from thinking about it. I felt that I have lose myself, I don't know how to pick up myself anymore. The truth is, happiness is always a short-term thing that put your worries away for a second or two; but sadness would always leave a scar and it would surely take a long time to heal. Who wants sadness thou. 

My life is really in a real mess. I don't know myself anymore. 

Page 211: Recaps of the Week

Hey there, this would be a picture-describing post of what have I been doing last weekend and this week so far.

First Day back in hometown:

#1 Reached the grandparents house and was welcomed with grandma's home-cooked-lunch. Then in the evening, uncle brought us to Bukit Jawi Golf Resort for a swim. This place brought back the childhood memories where the uncle would bring us there for a swim everytime we are back in hometown. It has been long. I remember us the cousiees had so much fun swimming, sliding down the slides. Reminiscence, indeed. 

#2 At night, we had a small family dinner. This restaurant serves really good Chinese food and I can only taste them when I am back there. What most important is the small reunion with them and had a good dinner with good food. 

#3 First dish for the night. Picture courtesy of @wilsonbeh's instagram. Heh! Yummeh! Was too lazy to take pictures that night because I just want to sit down and enjoy the food. :) 

The Second Day:  

#4 The second day morning, grandma literally bang into the room and woke us up @930am for breakfast. We headed to Jawi for the famous chai kuey. The family always thought I really like chai kuey that they would packed chai kuey for us back to KL. In fact, I actually like Mang Kuang Kuey not Chai Kuey. haha! But yeah, dim sum breakkie with the family. Bliss. There's no dim sum for breakkie in KL, since my mum doesn't wake me up like how my grandma did. Hence, no dim sum for breakfast here. haha! 

#5 At night, we headed to this very nice, with waitress wearing cheongsam, comfy restaurant for dinner. No, these 2 cutiepie aren't my cousins, they are my lil' cutiepie nephews.  

#6 Everyday Supreme. 

Awww yummy food overloaded. Everyday is food fiesta back there. 

Third day - fun day spent in Penang Island: 

That day was a fun and exciting day, heading to the island, to the ocean and where the heritage buildings located. Ahhh the paradise that I have always longing to be at. Am really considering moving there next time. Haha! Had nam tian breakfast with the grandma. Roti bakar & milo! This vintage coffee shop has been there since 20 years ago and nothing has changed. The smell of vintage. :) 

First stop was Penang Hill. My last visit was 9 years ago, and I remember the furnicular train has no air-cond and it was indeed a very crowded and slow journey up the hill. Not a pleasant one, but the new furnicular train was pretty okay compared to the previous one. With air-cond and move faster but there's still more rooms of improvement. 

#7 This fella was showing me the correct way of playing teng teng, the traditional game. This fella couldn't stop teasing me all the way bout not knowing how to cycle, not knowing how to swim, not knowing how to play teng teng in the correct way. Double triple meh -____- I have lousy cousin that loves to tease me. Still wuey wuey the best! 

#8 Oh this photo was taken from @wilsonbeh's instagram too. heh. Nice cafe looking down at the whole Penang, but that day the haze was too heavy, couldn't see anything. -___- Not sure if it's haze or mist thou. 

Second stop was food stop! Ahhh air itam's laksa/char keow teow, penang road cendol/rojak. Loads and loads of penang food!!! Food heaven indeed. Ahhhh I miss penang already :( 

Third stop around touristy attraction @Georgetown #likeatourist: 

Full of photos. haha! Am too lazy to arrange the photos. The cousins took us to check out the Mural Art @Armenian Street by Ernest Zacharevic. Really unique pieces of art combining with 2D art and 3D real bicycle for example. The art is drawn on some very old vintage building where the walls are peeling off already. These art made these abandoned vintage building into some tourist attraction where everyone would come and drop by just to take photos with these mural arts. A good idea indeed.

Then we headed to the well-known clan jetty in Penang. First time there and am amaze with how simple can life be over there. Will talk about that later.

Went over to Chinahouse "which is a traditional compound of 3 heritage buildings, linked by an open air courtyard and converted into 14 spaces comprising shops, cafes, restaurants, galleries and multi-purpose performance theatre." You can check out this awesome unique concept here  http://www.chinahouse.com.my/. Ahh didn't get to sit down there at the cafe for their coffee and cake. Will do that next trip!

Our last stop was Northam Beach Cafe for dinner with the cousins by the sea. Awwww favourite hawker center :) 

This Amelia cafe is really unique! Couldn't be seen as a cafe if you didn't look properly. It's covered with leaves and plants. Unfortunately, it's not open that day. :( Saw a lot about this cafe from various blog, will come here next trip! 

#9 Sea view @Northam Beach Cafe. Sampans <3 I have something towards sampan which the cousins know about it. I simply adore them. 

#10 Polaroids for the day. 

Finally done with Penang, whole loads of photos. Great memories. Have yet to jot down the thoughts I got from Penang thou. 

Wednesday with the galfriend @Paradigm Mall. Lunch and tea time with her. Bliss <3 

#11 My New York Fish & Chips. 

 #12 Her Artic Fish & Chips.

#13 Photo courtesy of Lavee's instagram. :) 

#14 Tea time & gossip time @The Coffee Bean with her. :DDD This girl has been practicing logging out her fb account from her mobile. hehe!!! for she is afraid I might use her fb account to do something. hehehe!!! *am feeling evil. 

Friday was the KL Adventure. Was really a lousy KL-lite for not knowing how to get from one mall to another mall at the Golden Triangle. Watched Greedy Ghost @Pavilion and had a great time laughing at the comedy and also some freaking out at some ghostly scene. -___- Tiring day indeed walking around the whole street of Bukit Bintang. D: Korean food @So Poong for lunch & Thai food @Absolute Thai for dinner. Was craving for nasi lemak for dinner but there's some circumstances, so we went for my 2nd craving. The tom yam! This week is definitely a food over-loaded week. 

I guess what's most important was the people you spend time with. Of course food plays important role. Good food, happy stomach, happy me. But still great companion, happier me. Haha okay excuse the grammatical error. I had a great week indeed, spending time with the family & friends. Thank you for making me leaving things that I have been worrying aside, those negative thoughts that have been lingering in my mind everyday. I still can't get rid of them thou, and it's increasing as day goes by. :( I need to end this post already. It's freaking long. :O