"When someone cries so hard that it hurts their throat, it is out of frustration or knowing that no matter what you can do or attempt to do can change the situation. When you feel like you need to cry, when you want to just get it out, relieve some of the pressure from the inside - that is true pain. Because no matter how hard you try or how bad you want to, you can't. That pain just stays in place. Then, if you are lucky, one small tear may escape from those eyes that water constantly. That one tear, that tiny, salty, droplet of moisture is a means of escape. Although tit's just a small tear, it is the heaviest thing in the world. And it doesn't do a damn thing to fix anything."
-Chase Brooks
This week I was rather emotional. Unstable I could say. I have been feeling restless, I got angry of small lil' things, I got pretty sensitive over every thing, I wasn't concentrating most of the time. My mind tends to wanders off to those negative things that have been lingering on my mind forever that my tears fall so easily. I barely did anything useful besides doing housework. I spent most of my time watching drama, unless I felt like playing the piano. I went to the piano for awhile played a song or two, and I went back to my drama. I slept so late at night because I barely could sleep, until I doze off watching it. I was panic and nervous already, where it triggers those negative stuff to float on my mind 7/24. I need people to constantly telling me not to worry, everything will be fine when I don't believe in this theory at all. I am sucha pessimist, but still grateful with friends that I could rely on telling me that everything will be fine. I pretend to accept the theory when deep in my heart I know it's not going to be fine. I am in a mess, indeed.
Yesterday, I went out to celebrate a very close friend's birthday. But my mind wasn't really concentrating. I was stuffing myself with food whole night during dinner while my mind wanders off to all the what ifs questions. Everyday am struggling with my mind and my heart. Contradict.
This week I have been thinking of daddy pretty much. I think of those good ol' days where daddy would send me to the bus stop every morning as early as 6am and waited for the school bus with me. We would sit in the car and daddy would tell me about philosophy of life and stories about his siblings. I find those stories interesting and I still kept them in my mind. When I came back from school, daddy would always rush home from work just to make sure I am home safely and also with food to eat. Everyday there's tea time with daddy at home. Daddy prepared breakfast for me with his weird creativity like putting raw egg into my milo, which he knows I hate it the most having to drink that slimy egg white with my milo. Gross isn't it, I don't know where did he got that creativity from. Breakfast was always healthy, that I have a cup of plain water to drink or honey and a cup of milo to drink. Daddy made my lunch box for me to pack to school, daddy will buy food back for tea time when I reached home from school and daddy would sometimes prepare dinner. His fried rice was terrible indeed, but we have no choice but to swallow those oily fried rice. Oiliest fried rice I have ever tasted, ew. Daddy loves frying butter salmon, oily too but yummeh. Daddy was the one who started the pouring tuna into porridge culture in our family. He was pretty much creative, but gross creativity. haha! Weekends were the best time ever unless there's exam. Saturdays were meant for me to attend class, yes my school urgh have classes on every Saturday. Saturdays were usually busy day where I attended school in the morning, attend piano class and art class in the evening. Saturday night will always be eating out at the shopping malls. Sunday would be visiting mall day. Ahhh lovin those days. Looking at now, my meals are all so screw up, it's always milo for brunch and sometimes for dinner. Or I skip dinner. I tend to spend so much time in front of the laptop. I sleep for so few hours because there's no longer daddy to control my sleeping time. He doesn't allow me to sleep late and wake up late. Ahh these are all the stuff that I have been reminiscing bout daddy this week.
The clock is ticking and it's coming soon. I have no idea how to face the reality if someone could tell me how besides telling me everything will be fine. It's the end of the week. Again. I no longer love the weekends anymore. I wish weekdays are longer.
Till then.
No comments:
Post a Comment