"Pain is a part of life. Sometimes it's a big part, and sometimes it isn't, but either way, it's a part of the big puzzle, the deep music, the great game. Pain does two things: it teaches you, tells you that you're alive. Then it passes away and leaves you changed. It leaves you wiser, sometimes. Sometimes, it leaves you stronger. Either way, pain leaves its mark, and everything important that will ever happen to you in life is going to involve it in one degree or another."
Jim Butcher
I spent most of my time reading quotes. I love how these quotes reflect certain truth in life and reminds me of something that later inspire me to write. So here I am, writing. More like typing thou. Heh. It's gonna be daddy again. Perhaps his death anniversary is approaching, am writing so much about dad lately. I flipped through the newspaper yesterday morning, I read about this inspiring article "Goodbye Mum" and I thought maybe I should write about daddy.
So yeah, a long-winded one. It's gonna be the day daddy left. I remember that morning, daddy was opening the gate for us as early as 645am perhaps or 7am. Mum sent me to school that day, no school-bus day! and I couldn't remember if I wave goodbye to dad, but that was the last time I see him. I regretted not waving goodbye, I think I did not. I regretted not saying "daddy i love you" before I left to school. I regretted not hugging daddy before I left to school. Ahhh, perhaps these have left me using so much of "loves" at the end of conversation or putting "heart" emoticon. Till the extend I thought I was too generous with it. Back to story, so I came home by school bus as usual. Only to receive a called from mum telling me that bro accompanied daddy to check up and daddy had to be admitted to the hospital for further check-up. The word "check-up" didn't gave me much effect as I thought am gonna see dad the next day, no big deal. Having to be admitted to CCU, we were not aware at all of the term. Daddy called asking us not to visit him as there's nothing to worry since he will be coming home the next day, so yeah we didn't visit him. Every night, I would be doing my homework in my room while mum would be downstairs doing her work. and I remember it's 930pm, the phone rang and the nurse said we need to rush to the hospital as soon as possible. Here comes the drama, everything was just exactly like how we seen from the drama. We rushed into the car, bro drove as fast as he could, and there was a bad jam leading to the hospital. Damn it, and hazard light was on all the way. We put our car aside, didn't even bother to park it properly and we literally ran through the cold corridors. Until we reached there, the doctor said "sorry, it's too late". Perhaps I was too young to understand death, I didn't know how to respond. There wasn't tears flowing when the doctor pronounced that daddy had officially left us, he didn't even got to see us for the last time. But we knew that he was waiting for us. I was stunned, I gave him a last hug with all the tubes were still on his cold body. That night was difficult, I went home and only then I cried so much like I felt a knife was stabbed into my heart. That was my first time understanding the meaning of heartache. It was so pain that I don't know what to do with it. That's about it. We survived through the days without daddy by having loads of relatives and friends constantly consoling us. It was difficult, my tears fall every morning on the way to school for sometime. That's when I guess I started learning not to show my sadness in public, those smiles and laughter that I put on. I was much stronger that time. I still think of dad on and off. I let go of myself allowing the tears to flow at night whenever I think of him before going to sleep. Losing someone so close ain't easy at all. Days were tough without someone that you have been relying on all these while. I am so proud with mum for she being so brave and optimistic. We wouldn't have walked through these tough days without the family and friends. I am always grateful for having them. It's been 7 years now, daddy I still think of you for you are always in my heart. You know what, that special place that you have in my heart, no one would ever replace you. The true Always & Forever.
Losing daddy has taught me a lot in life, at least to be strong. But it seems that I am back to basic again, I show my sadness so easily in public. I no longer hide my sadness, I would just blabbered it off to my close friends that I think I annoyed them a lot with my sadness. Sorry mates. I am not strong anymore.
Brain and mind - the root of all sickness. :(
and 400km? I never like that. Damn the distant.
No comments:
Post a Comment