I haven't been writing what have I been thinking for some time already. Avoiding writing them out because I fear. I fear to know what I have been worrying, fear to face the reality. When the week comes to an end, I feel extremely down thinking oh no it's coming, silly thoughts like why wouldn't the time stop. My life is so gonna ruin soon. The uncertainty of my future seems to be bothering me a lot. I have been stressing a lot that I make myself busy by shifting my attention to something unnecessary, watching drama every night till I sleep or reading quotes or words on tumblr. Doing all these every night just to stop myself from thinking. Being a pessimist, I couldn't describe how I felt. It's extreme, towards the point of thinking something silly and stupid. I'm more like a planner, I like my life to be in order and I like to know what would happen next. Just like how I love reading conclusions or watching the last episode of drama before continue reading or watching the rest. I can go on impromptu plans like going out for a lunch, dinner or a trip. Just not when it comes to serious stuff. Right now, I am not sure if my life is gonna ruin and the most difficult thing is waiting. At the same time, I do not want that moment to come. Counting down is a painful thing. I don't know if I am different person right now, I am not sure if I have changed the way I think, I am not sure about myself. All I know what I have been doing is hanging out with my loved ones trying to stop myself from thinking about it. I felt that I have lose myself, I don't know how to pick up myself anymore. The truth is, happiness is always a short-term thing that put your worries away for a second or two; but sadness would always leave a scar and it would surely take a long time to heal. Who wants sadness thou.
My life is really in a real mess. I don't know myself anymore.
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